Act One:
Scene 1
Music begins, led by Becca and Bonnie (in character as Snout and Puck). Clanking leads to drumming and into invocation of the Preshow
Theseus: (over drums) Let the games begin! (drums fade)
Begins chasing Hippolyta around the bench. Ad libbing: I’m gonna get you!
Hippolyta: (playful) Not if I get you first!
Theseus catches up to her, holds her by the waist. Hippolyta swings around to hit Theseus, he grabs her hand and pins it behind her back. Repeats with other hand, beginning to get frisky, then Egeus enters with Hermia, Demetrius and Lysander. Throughout, Demetrius tries to be seen, finally getting up on the bench.
Egeus: My lord –
Theseus: Whaaaaat?
Egeus: My daughter (points to Hermia) wants to marry this one! (points to Lysander)
Theseus: Okay.
Egeus: I don’t want her to marry this one. I want her to marry that one! (points to Demetrius)
Herm: But –
Egeus: No buts! My way or the highway! (This gives Lysander an idea)
Herm: You don’t understand me at all! I hate you!
Egeus: Hate me today, you’ll love me tomorrow. What say you, my lord?
Theseus: (to Hippolyta) I’m going to talk for a minute and completely ignore you. Don’t fall asleep. (To Hermia) As Egeus is your… parent, you must obey the law of the land. Marry Demetrius.
Hermia: Ewwww!
Theseus: You could always be a nun. Or we could put you to death… My own wedding is fast approaching and I really think you need to work this our for yourselves. Lysander seems to be a perfectly fine fellow, but Egeus is the boss. Well, not the boss. I’m the boss. Egeus is a boss. He’s your boss and you have to do as you’re told. Sorry, kid. Them’s the rules. Demetrius, Egeus, come with me. Hippolyta – (she’s asleep, he shakes her awake) come on, we have seating arrangements and china patterns to pick out.
(As they exit, to Demetrius) I tell ya, kid, weddings are a big (snore).
Scene 2
Hermia: Oh jeez, my life is over. I hate everyone.
Lysander: Even me?
Hermia: No, not you. You’re amazing and sweet and… taller.
Lysander: Let’s run away together.
Hermia: No way!
Lysander: Yes way! But we can’t tell anyone or we’ll both get in big trouble.
Hermia: I promise.
(enter Helena)
Hermia: Helena! We’re running away together!!!
Lysander: Really?
Helena: Oh boy. Good for you. I’m overjoyed.
Hermia: Why are you such a gloomy gus?
Helena: I like Demetrius, Demetrius likes you, you like Lysander and nobody likes me.
Hermia: Aw, lots of people like you. (shakes NO to the aud)
Helena: I just want Demetrius to like me.
Hermia: I’m sure he’ll come around. (shakes NO to the aud) Anyway, we’re running off. Demetrius will forget all about me. You’ll see. (again NO to the aud)
Helena: Sigh.
Hermia: Take care of yourself don’t forget to water the plants love you lots kay thanks bye! (Hermis and Lysander exit)
Helena: I’m telling Demetrius. (Exits, off on drums)
Scene 3
Enter Mechanicals
Quince: The play we’re doing is –
Bottom: It doesn’t matter, I’m going to be awesome!
Quince: Yeah, sure. Here are your parts –
Bottom: Again, I’m the greatest actor who ever lived! You should have seen my one-man Hamlet. My fight scene was spectacular!
Quince: You can’t play all the parts!
Bottom: Do I get the girl?
Quince: Kind of. (points to Flute) He’s the girl.
Flute: Aw, man!
Quince: Nope, girl.
Bottom: Aw, man!
Quince: That’s it! Everyone else doesn’t do much. Snout, you do something, Starvelling, you do something, too. Snug? (Snug roars) Guess who’s the lion? You all have your parts. Let’s not suck too much, shall we?
Bottom: (grandly) I promise!
Quince: Oh boy.
(They exit)
Scene 4:
Oberon: (to Titania) I’m so mad at you!
Titania: I’m so mad at you!
Puck: Why are you so mad?
Oberon: I’ll tell you why –
Titania: I’ll tell you why. There was a follower of mine, who I loved, and who loved me. She was devoted to me, and was one of my favorites. She was with child – (Winter goes into labor; as Brandon is “born”) but sadly died in childbirth.
Fairy 2: (regarding the size of the “baby”) Woah! That would have killed me too!
Titania: And so the child passed to me.
Oberon: And she won’t share!
Titania: Why do you want him so badly?
Oberon: …Because.
Titania: Yes?
Oberon: So, you know…I can teach him.
Titania: Teach him…?
Oberon: You know…stuff.
Titania: You are so lame. Not giving up the baby.
Oberon: But –
Titania: Sorry. I’m going shopping. (They exit, huffy)
Oberon: Ooooh, she makes me so mad!
Puck: Can you get back at her?
Oberon: Are you kidding? I’m Oberon. I’m the Fairy King! I can do anything! (pause) Flowers.
Puck: You’re going to buy her flowers? Boy, you are lame.
Oberon: Quiet and listen: purple and white flower. Find it for me.
Puck: You mean like, FTD? (assumes Oberon’s Cupid pose)
Oberon: No, like go out and find me a flower. You’ll know it when you see it. Go! Quickly! (Puck exits) (to aud) The flower is magic. When applied to a person’s eyes, it makes them fall in love with the first thing they see. I’ll make her fall in love with…a polar bear
Puck: (poking her head in) No polar bears in the forest.
Oberon: (annoyed) She’ll have a romance with a shark!
Puck: (same) We’re not in the ocean.
Oberon: Well, whatever! Something… funny. Yes…something funny.
Enter Helena (Sarah) and Demetrius (Winter)
Oberon: Eek! I’m invisible! (put hands over eyes)
Scene 5
Helena: C’mon, baby!
Demetrius: No!
Helena: But –
Demetrius: I said no!
Helena: But we’d be so good together! If you need something from a shelf, I can get it for you…If I drop something on the ground, you’re already halfway there…We’re perfect for each other!
Demetrius: Perfectly no.
Helena: Fine. Don’t be nice. Be mean. Be angry. Push me away (He does). Yeah, and throw me around a little. And slap me. (she lightly slaps her own face) Yeah! Slap me! Spank me! I’ve been so bad!
Demetrius: Um, look, superfreak, I gotta go. Thanks for telling me about Lysander and Hermia, but I gotta jet. (exits)
Helena: But…I like the way your hair smells! (she exits)
Oberon: Wow.
Scene 6
Titania re-enters
Titania: I’m tired. (sleeps)
Puck re-enters with flower and hands to Oberon. Oberon rubs flower on Titania’s eyes as she sleeps. Puck and Oberon leave.
Enter Hermia (Claire) and Lysander (Tyler)
Hermia: I’m tired.
Lysander: Yeah.
Hermia: We should sleep.
Lysander: Yeah!
Hermia: I’m going to lay right here.
Lysander: Yeah!
Hermia: And you’re going to lay right over there.
Lysander. Oh.
Hermia: We are going to remain pure and sweet and virtuous and not touch each other until we’re married.
Lysander: Amen.
Hermia: Ahmen.
Lysander: Okay.
They sleep.
Puck enters.
Puck: Hmmm. Boy. Girl. Dressed like townies. He looks like a jerk. She looks okay. Check this out. (she rubs Lysander’s eyes with the flower) Peace.
Demetrius enters, followed by Helena.
Demetrius: Look, will you please leave me alone? Look, what’s that over there? (she looks, he runs off)
Helena: Well, shoot. It’s dark, I’m in the woods, which isn’t creepy at all.
Lysander awakes and rises like a zombie, transfixed on Helena.
Helena: Oh great, a zombie. Just what I needed in the scary dark woods all by myself. Don’t eat my brains!
Lysander: Your brains? I love your brains.
Helena: Ew.
Lysander: And your body, and your voice, and your fashion, and I like your hair…
Helena: What?
Lysander: And the way your jaw makes this clicking sound when you chew…
Helena: Um, what?
Lysander: I love you.
Helena: This is beyond weird.
Lysander: You are beyond words.
Helena: I’m out like a trout. (She exits)
Lysander: I love fish! (he notices Hermia sleeping) What was I thinking? You’re nowhere near as cool as her! You’re puny, she’s perfect. You’re small, she’s not. You’re ugly, she’s hot. I love her. I scorn you. (he exits)
Hermia: (waking up) Lysander? Honey? Sweetheart? Where’d you go? Really?
(She exits)
Scene 7
Enter Bottom and Mechanicals
Snout: You don’t look so good.
Bottom: I don’t?
Starvelling: No, you look…bad?
Bottom: Baaaaaad?
Quince: Baaaad! Aw jeez! (They run off screaming.)
Bottom: Wow. What’s wr-heehaww-ng with them?
Titania: (waking up) Achee-wawa! You are one hundred kinds of yummy!
Bottom: I beg pardon?
Titania: You! Your voice is like the rainbow, your visage is a work of art! You are my muse, and I am but a lowly poet. You inspire me.
Bottom: Um. Sorry?
Titania: Fairies attend! Make this creature of beauty comfortable in our home.
Peas-blossom: Hail!
Moth: Hail!
Mustardseed: Hail!
Cobweb: Oh hell. This is where the intermission happens. (Beat) Okay, off we go.
Off with Bottom, bewildered. Enter Oberon and Puck.
Act Two
Scene 1:
Oberon: What the? Puck?
Puck whispers into Oberon’s ear and they share a laugh. Enter Hermia and Demetrius. Oberon hides and Puck.leaves
Hermia: What did you do with Lysander?
Demetrius: I didn’t do anything with him!
Hermia: If I find out you’re lying…I’m going to do something you won’t like and you won’t like it for a really long time! (she stomps off)
Demetrius: Well…nuh uh. (he sits) Who has two thumbs and needs a nap? This guy.
(He lies down and sleeps. Oberon rubs the flower on his eyes. Puck enters.)
Puck: Lord, the other two are on their way. (They hide)
Enter Lysander and Helena.
Lysander: But I love you.
Helena: Go away, creep!
Lysander: But I love you!
Helena: You are so screwed up.
(Demetrius wakes and sees Helena)
Demetrius: You are such a hottie!
Helena and Lysander: What???
Demetrius: Dude, step off. This girl is fine like an overdue library book.
Lysander: That makes no sense.
Demetrius: I am so in love with you.
Helena: You’ve got to be kidding.
(Enter Hermia)
Hermia: Oh, Lysander! I’m so glad I found you!
Lysander: Well, you found me. I guess you can find your way home then.
Hermia: Excuse me?
Lysander: You heard me. Don’t let the leaves hit you on the way out.
Hermia: What is going on?
Helena: Yeah, what is going on?
Lysander/Demetrius: (to Helena) I love you.
Demetrius: No, I love her.
Lysander: No, I love her.
Demetrius: No, me!
Lysander: No, me!
Demetrius: You’d better watch it. (Pushes Lysander)
Lysander: Watch this. (Pushes Demetrius)
Demetrius: Dude… (Pushes Lysander)
Lysander: Son… (Pushes Demetrius)
Hermia: You are both so lame.
Demetrius: You want some of this?
Lysander: Yeah, come on!
Demetrius: Come get some!
Lysander: You called down the thunder, well now you’ve got it!
(They slap fight.)
Demetrius: You suck!
Lysander: No, you suck!
Demetrius: Your mom!
Lysander: What?
Demetrius: I mean…
Lysander: What did you say?
Demetrius: I mean, uh…look, shiny!
(Demetrius runs off while Lysander is distracted, then Lysander follows)
Helena: This is all your fault. (She exits)
Hermia: Mine? What? (She exits)
Oberon: This is bad. (To Puck) You’d better fix this. (Oberon exits)
Puck: Oooookay.
(Lysander enters)
Puck: Sleep. (Lysander sleeps.)
(Demetrius enters)
Puck: Sleep. (Demetrius sleeps.)
(Helena enters)
Puck: Sleep. (Helena sleeps.)
(Hermia enters)
Puck: Sleep. (Hermia sleeps.) Now… when you wake up, you’ll be in love with who you should be. (pause) I think. (Puck exits)
Scene 2
Enter Bottom and Titania.
Bottom: I’m sleepy. (he looks at the lovers) Seems to be catching. (He lies down and sleeps)
Titania: Sleep, my pretty. Rest your weary head. I’ll watch over you like a zzzzzzzzzzzz-
(she sleeps)
Puck and Oberon enter.
Puck: Just like that?
Oberon: Just like that. Crazy, huh?
Puck: Crazy like a fox! So, what are you going to call the boy?
Oberon: I don’t know. Names are weird around here. I mean, Peas-blossom? Anyway, we should remedy this. (To Titania) Wake, my sweet, and love me again.
Titania: (waking) Oberon, I love you again!
Puck. Wow.
Titania: I had the craziest dream!
Oberon: In the middle of the summer?
Titania: How did you…wait a minute.
Oberon: Nevermind that now. Let’s take a walk.
Scene 4
(Oberon, Titania and Puck exit. Thesus, Hippolyta and Egeus enter)
Thesus: …and so the doctor says, “Wait, if this is my thermometer, where’s my pen?”
(much laughter)
Hippolyta: Well, there’s something you don’t see every day. (to the lovers) Are you dead?
(The lovers wake up)
Lysander: I feel like I’ve been asleep for days.
Demetrius: Where am I?
Helena: Where are we?
Hermia: Mom?
Lysander: (looking at Hermia) I love you!
Hermia: (hugging Lysander) Awww.
Demetrius: (to Helena) I love you!
Helena: Jackpot! (hugs Demetrius, high fives Hermia)
Theseus: Wedding, party of 6? Wedding, party of 6? Your table is ready.
Egeus: My lord!
Theseus: Sorry, them’s the rules. Let’s go get hitched!
They exit.
Bottom: (waking) I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Quince. Snout? Francis Flute? Anybody? Maybe they’re at Qunice’s house.
Enter Quince and Mechanicals
Quince: Ah jeez, what happened to you?
Starvelling: We were worried sick!
Bottom: First things first: Get on your dancing shoes and pretty hats, we’re going to the palace!
Snout: Huh?
Bottom: Pyramus and Thisbe! Let’s go put on a play!
“Put on a play” echoes as fairies repeat the call, bringing all fairies into the space. Winter pops out to deliver the curtain speech.
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