Saturday, June 19, 2010

Play Nice

A few months ago, I participated as a playwright for Sycamore Rouge's 24-Hour Experience. The idea was that, from 8pm Friday night until the performance the following night (also at 8pm - hence 24 hours), a play would be created from the ether. Playwrights would gather, be given specific criteria (our play had to include an object, an activity and a name) and go. The plays were finished when the playwright chose. We read them aloud for each other, offering ideas and constructive criticism as needed. It was tiring, but a very rewarding and positive experience.

I thought I'd share my entry into the Experience. Comment your hearts away.

Sleighted

By Jeffrey Cole

Lights up.

“Zero” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs is playing, mid-song (about 2:40).

Legerdemain is dancing. GB is drinking at bar DL. She motions to bartender for another drink. She looks dejected. Bartender brings a martini. Tom Jones enters from house. He looks anxious, but quickly calms as he sits at bar.

TOM: May I have a vodka tonic?

He turns and ogles Legerdemain as she dances. She notices him and winks, putting on a show for him. He lays down a twenty on the bar. Bartender brings his drink.

TOM: Thank you. (to GB) Enjoying the show?

GB: (Not looking at him) The more I drink…(pause)

TOM: Right.

They drink. Legerdemain’s set ends and she exits UC.

TOM: So, what do you do?

GB: What? Are you really –

TOM: I’m just making conversation. Just trying to be nice.

GB: Keep trying.

They drink. Legerdemain comes out in street clothes, next to Tom. They smile shyly at each other. GB rolls her eyes.

TOM: Nice show.

LEGERDEMAIN: Thank you.

TOM: What do you call yourself?

LEGERDEMAIN: Legerdemain.

TOM: Beg pardon?

LEGERDEMAIN: Legerdemain. It means –

TOM: I know what it means. Interesting choice.

LEGERDEMAIN: You haven’t seen my snake trick.

TOM: (pause) Ah.

LEGERDEMAIN: Gotta pee. BRB. (Legerdemain exits SL)

GB: Did she really just tell you she’d “BRB”? Did I just hear that?

TOM: You did.

GB: I’m getting old.

TOM: Really. (They drink.) How old are –

GB: Not supposed to ask.

TOM: Violates the rules of decorum?

GB: I don’t know you.

TOM: (leaning over) Tom. Jones.

GB: You’re kidding.

TOM: Nope.

GB: GB.

TOM: GB?

GB: GB.

TOM: What’s that stand for?

GB: My first and middle names.

TOM: (pause) You know, I’m just making –

GB: It’s cool. I’m just a bitch.

TOM: I see. (They drink.)

GB: What do you do?

TOM: I rob banks.

GB: Excuse me?

TOM: Banks. I rob them.

GB: Corporate takeover.

TOM: I wear a suit and tie, yes.

(Legerdemain reenters from SL. She is very energetic now. She stands over Tom’s shoulder.)

LEGERDEMAIN: Hi!

TOM: Hello.

LEGERDEMAIN: What’s up?

TOM: I’m having a drink, chatting with –

LEGERDEMAIN: Whatcha drinking?

TOM: Vodka tonic –

LEGERDEMAIN: I LOVE vodka!

TOM: Would you like one?

GB: Are you old enough to drink?

LEGERDEMAIN: Yeah…I’m old enough.

GB: Are you still on the clock?

LEGERDEMAIN: I’m on a –

GB: Can’t drink while you’re on the clock, Miss.

TOM: Really?

GB: Yep.

LEGERDEMAIN: I get off in an hour.

TOM: Can I buy you a vodka in an hour?

LEGERDEMAIN: A martini?

TOM: Dirty?

LEGERDEMAIN: Courtney Love dirty.

TOM: Deal. I’m Tom.

LEGERDEMAIN: Hi, Tom. I’m Leger –

TOM: You told me. When do you go back on?

LEGERDEMAIN: In 2. I have to pee. See you! (She exits SL)

TOM: Ah.

GB: Wow. You’re good.

TOM: Like I said, I’m just –

GB: Being nice. Got it. (They drink.)

TOM: So…It’s Tuesday afternoon. Why are you –

GB: Because I’m a bitch. I have no one else to talk to and I like to drink in the afternoon. I like this place.

TOM: Are you mean to everybody?

GB: Not everyone. (
She examines him.) I hate your tie.

They drink. Legerdemain enters from UC as Amberlin’s "Glass to the Arson" begins. She begins to dance seductively.

GB: I like her. She’s nice. Good teeth.

TOM: I noticed. (pause) So… tell me something.

GB: I’ve just gotten into letterboxing.

TOM: Is that like kickboxing at the Y? Do you practice attacking mailmen?

GB: It’s like a treasure hunt for grown ups.

TOM: Oh. (He drinks.) So, besides being a bitch, what do –

GB: I’m junior partner at Harris and Markson.

TOM: You’re a lawyer.

GB: That’s usually what that means.

TOM: Wow, you really are –

GB: Told you. (She looks at Legerdemain, who is dancing on her own planet.)

TOM: Does anyone ever not like you?

GB: Sorry?

TOM: You’ve spent a lot of time being unlikable. Does it work?

GB: It’s been known to happen. Frequently.

TOM: Do people get angry, or do they leave you alone?

GB: They generally leave me to myself.

TOM: I hate your shoes.

GB: What?

TOM: Your shoes. They were the first thing I noticed about you.

GB: I –

TOM: They’re tacky. (He finishes his drink.)

GB: They –

TOM: Is it nice? Being so unlikable?

GB: I get by okay. (pause) You finished your drink. Would you like another?

TOM: I’ll get it, thanks. (Pause.)

GB: So, in letterbox-

TOM: Do I remotely care?

GB: I suppose not.

TOM: You know, I’ve kind of had a rough day. I was hoping for some nice conversation-

GB: I’m sorry –

TOM: But thank you for opening my eyes to the reality of things.

GB: The reality of things?

TOM: That’s right. Kindness is an illusion. Every new person we meet just hasn’t found a reason to hate us yet.

GB: I don’t hate you. I don’t even know –

TOM: And yet you still felt totally justified in –

GB: Justified is a strong word.

TOM: (pause) I’m not going to argue with a total stranger in a bar. Finish your drink.

(GB smirks and finishes her drink. She stands and moves very close to him.)

GB: Nice.

TOM: I’ve never shot a lawyer before. Please back away.

GB: Shot a lawyer?

TOM: I rob banks, Miss Junior Partner. I’m not a very nice guy.

GB: Do you carry a gun?

TOM: I do.

GB: Now?

TOM: Would you like to find out?

GB: Maybe.

(Legerdemain's song ends and she exits UC)

TOM: You’re playing a very dangerous game. I’m not really a guy you’d enjoy angry. (pause) I asked you to step away.

GB: I know –

TOM: Next time, I’ll tell you to move.

GB: Fair enough. (She moves back slightly.) Better?

TOM: Okay.

GB: Sure?

TOM: It would be really great if you would stop talking. Really.

GB: Perhaps I should leave.

TOM: It’s a free country. (She sits.) Obviously.

GB: Still want to shoot me?

TOM: Lady, I –

GB: Gladys.

TOM: Gladys, I don’t really- Gladys? Really?

GB: Really.

TOM: I could shoot you. Put you out of your misery.

GB: Others have tried.

TOM: I have pretty good aim.

GB: Look, I have to go.

TOM: Thank you.

GB: May I give you my card?

TOM: Why, so I can friend you on Facebook? You are really screwed up, lady.

GB: I’ve heard that before.

TOM: That’s a no on the card. Sorry.

GB: I’ll put it here on the bar, just in –

TOM: I’m going to take out my gun.

GB: Or not.

TOM: Have you left yet? Can’t you go be a screwed up bitch somewhere else?

(GB takes out her card, scribbles something on it and puts it on the bar.)

GB: Take a look. (She leaves.)

TOM: Jesus. (He goes to the card and looks. Reading.) Third National Bank, 17th and Franklin. Box 347. Hand-carved stamp. (pause) What is this?

(Legerdemain enters from SL. She is slinky and seductive, but without subtlety.)

LEGERDEMAIN: Hi. Got off early. Where’s your friend?

TOM: She left.

LEGERDEMAIN: Aww. She was nice. I liked her shoes. (pause) Can I still get my Courtney Love martini?

TOM: Baby, drinks are on me for the rest of the night. (He pulls out a wad of money and lays it on the bar.) Line em up, I’ll knock em over.

LEGERDEMAIN: Wow! That’s a lot of money!

TOM: Very true.

LEGERDEMAIN: You’re a very nice guy, Tom.

TOM: Thank you. Thank you very much.

LEGERDEMAIN: You’re welcome!

TOM: It’s nice to be appreciated. (pause) Do you know anything about letterboxing?

Black.

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